Learning, understanding

2012 has arrived and with it, a bit of understanding came too. My soul has finally accepted a number of things and some peace is finally here.
I see things, I read here and there and I've learnt and understood that I'm not the only person experiencing the things that I do. Perhaps that's a very comfortable way of seing things, but it feels good knowing that I'm not alone.

You don't say hi

You don't say hi just like that. I was not there to have casual conversation and that sort of interaction that you do normally have with people on the street. At least give me the credit of an "ex". I prefer that title that the one of "we are cool, aren't we?". I prefer that treatment and to continue with my life and my plans instead of keep looking back.

I'm sorry I cannot be the person that you need around and I'm sure you would have wanted to be the person that I needed around some time ago. It's just bad timing as you said. I can't be what you need and you couldn't be there for me when I needed you the most. That makes a score of 1-1 and that means no pending things to talk about.

I have had my piece of cake. Hope that makes you feel better and I hope that you can understand that same as you or the people next to you, I'm entitled to dream about a happy life. I have doubts about reaching it, but you can't tell me that I'm wrong because of that.

Ser perfecto no alcanza...

Yo habría pensado que ser perfecto (en opinión de los otros) sería la garantía para merecer amor, respeto y también para provocar que alguien tenga ganas de construir algo conmigo. Aparentemente llevo muchos años siendo perfecta, a tal punto que cada persona con la que me relacioné sentimentalmente, terminó por dejarme.
Tal vez nunca he sido perfecta, tal vez sólo han querido hacerme pensar eso para no lastimarme más. Tal vez todo ha sido un engaño y ellos han querido ser amables conmigo.
Hoy sólo sé que no he encontrado a alguien que vea mis imperfecciones y aún así esté dispuesto a ir más allá conmigo, a tener un plan.
Honestamente hoy ya no sé qué sigue. Ya no sé qué es lo que se supone que yo deba hacer... o si ya lo hice todo y es tiempo de darme por vencida. Quizás eso sea lo que sigue.

Eso es todo...

It's so hard to realise how things change. To realise that this is it. That after all the shared things, the experiences and the expectatives, that is it. Also, besides the that is it, the way that feelings are transformed. Nothing lasts forever and when it comes to feelings this is more true than for anything else.

I once said that "I can't believe that this is it". I have gone this far to realise that it was. Nothing remains, nothing will stay untouchable. We move permanently and with us, our feelings and the way that others feel for us as well.

So now, finally: this is it.

Home

What is a home? Where is it? I guess this used to be a high level concept in my life in the sense of being a stranger to it. It's true that in the last couple of years I realized that I don't have one. I guess this is not about having a house, but having a place or circumstance where I belong and I'm needed or missed.

Being far from my country makes me also think that this home concept is not something applicable to my life since I don't seem to belong here or there. I feel like I could "easily" change the direction of my life without big consequences.

I have of course links and bonds, but not 'my" own things. Perhaps only what the original family gave me. Of course I'm not complaining about it, but I know that those are my roots, but not my own thing. And I don't really know what's my own thing or if I have one!

A veces se me olvida...

Se me olvida que hay muchas cosas que necesito entender yo sola, sin involucrar a otros. Cosas que son exclusivamente mias y que en ellas sólo participa Dios. Nadie más.

No olvidar que...

No olvidar que las cosas son como son por las decisiones propias y de las personas que tuvieron que ver conmigo (o tienen). No olvidar que el sitio o la situación en la que estoy (y estamos) actualmente es el resultado de haber hablado mucho y de haber intentado casi todo. No olvidar que no todo fue mi culpa y que no puedo cambiar la forma en la que otros piensan. A veces puedo cambiar mi mente y la forma en la que veo ciertas cosas, pero no puedo cambiar a los otros. No puedo, no puedo y no podré.