Estabas...

Tú estabas aqui, conmigo.
En la cama, justo a un lado mío
En la almohada, ocupando la mitad del espacio.

Estabas en este estudio.
En la cocina, preparando la cena, haciendo un te, horneando bisquets.

Estabas en el baño. En la regadera.
Ocupando tu espacio con tus cosas de cuidado personal.
Estabas en la disposición de las toallas. En tu desodorante Axe.
Estabas también entre mi ropa y entre mis labios.

Estabas en esta calle, en esta ciudad. Conmigo.
Estabas en la zona, en la lavandería, en el supermercado.

Estabas en las tiendas, comprando conmigo.
Dando tu opinión, recomendando.

Estabas conmigo. Viendo una película, yendo a cenar.
Viajando, discutiendo, amando.

Estabas tambien en mi casa en México. Con mi familia y conmigo.

Estabas en cada lugar importante o frecuente.
Conociendo a mis amigos, tratando con mi familia.

Estabas en mi cama, en mi habitación.
Estabas en mi mente y en todo mi corazón.

Poco a poco y día a día te fuiste yendo.
Un día te fuiste con todas tus cosas y
los otros días te fuiste desvaneciendo.

Te fuiste y contigo se fueron la esperanza y la confianza.
Te fuiste y tuve que entender que no querías regresar.

Hoy, ayer, mañana, yo tengo, tuve y tendré que estar sin ti.

Cold

I was thinking a couple of days ago about how I have learnt that life shall not stop no matter if the temperature is -11. I can feel needles in my legs when walking in the middle of the cold, but that will not stop me just as many other bad things have not.
It's already February, but the winter was kind of a lazy and.or late one. Probably I was thinking that we were going to skip it, even the birds were singing happily, but the winter is here. As sharp and strong as "normally" -I guess-.
Together with the winter, all human beings, are just ready to carry on... like we should.

Learning, understanding

2012 has arrived and with it, a bit of understanding came too. My soul has finally accepted a number of things and some peace is finally here.
I see things, I read here and there and I've learnt and understood that I'm not the only person experiencing the things that I do. Perhaps that's a very comfortable way of seing things, but it feels good knowing that I'm not alone.

You don't say hi

You don't say hi just like that. I was not there to have casual conversation and that sort of interaction that you do normally have with people on the street. At least give me the credit of an "ex". I prefer that title that the one of "we are cool, aren't we?". I prefer that treatment and to continue with my life and my plans instead of keep looking back.

I'm sorry I cannot be the person that you need around and I'm sure you would have wanted to be the person that I needed around some time ago. It's just bad timing as you said. I can't be what you need and you couldn't be there for me when I needed you the most. That makes a score of 1-1 and that means no pending things to talk about.

I have had my piece of cake. Hope that makes you feel better and I hope that you can understand that same as you or the people next to you, I'm entitled to dream about a happy life. I have doubts about reaching it, but you can't tell me that I'm wrong because of that.

Ser perfecto no alcanza...

Yo habría pensado que ser perfecto (en opinión de los otros) sería la garantía para merecer amor, respeto y también para provocar que alguien tenga ganas de construir algo conmigo. Aparentemente llevo muchos años siendo perfecta, a tal punto que cada persona con la que me relacioné sentimentalmente, terminó por dejarme.
Tal vez nunca he sido perfecta, tal vez sólo han querido hacerme pensar eso para no lastimarme más. Tal vez todo ha sido un engaño y ellos han querido ser amables conmigo.
Hoy sólo sé que no he encontrado a alguien que vea mis imperfecciones y aún así esté dispuesto a ir más allá conmigo, a tener un plan.
Honestamente hoy ya no sé qué sigue. Ya no sé qué es lo que se supone que yo deba hacer... o si ya lo hice todo y es tiempo de darme por vencida. Quizás eso sea lo que sigue.

Eso es todo...

It's so hard to realise how things change. To realise that this is it. That after all the shared things, the experiences and the expectatives, that is it. Also, besides the that is it, the way that feelings are transformed. Nothing lasts forever and when it comes to feelings this is more true than for anything else.

I once said that "I can't believe that this is it". I have gone this far to realise that it was. Nothing remains, nothing will stay untouchable. We move permanently and with us, our feelings and the way that others feel for us as well.

So now, finally: this is it.

Home

What is a home? Where is it? I guess this used to be a high level concept in my life in the sense of being a stranger to it. It's true that in the last couple of years I realized that I don't have one. I guess this is not about having a house, but having a place or circumstance where I belong and I'm needed or missed.

Being far from my country makes me also think that this home concept is not something applicable to my life since I don't seem to belong here or there. I feel like I could "easily" change the direction of my life without big consequences.

I have of course links and bonds, but not 'my" own things. Perhaps only what the original family gave me. Of course I'm not complaining about it, but I know that those are my roots, but not my own thing. And I don't really know what's my own thing or if I have one!