Are you with me

Many years passed by. Many stories. Many nights and many suns. I'm finally getting back my country and my city. I'm back to who I am and I own my days in Mexico. I'm free from memories and I've stopped missing the past.

And this time, some people got to see the place where I'm coming from and how even when messy, it's a great place. My Mexico, all mine.

Rompecabezas

And I was inserted in a puzzle. I have been trying to fit, but the picture won't change. It's only me the one that needs to fit. Makes me feel caught and like I don't really belong. After all these months sometimes I just feel like quitting. I feel like I always have to give up and the more I do, the more I stop being myself.

Fait au Mexique

It's difficult to think about myself as other thing than a Mexican. People might have another impression, but I don't see myself replacing all that I was born and raised with by other symbols or culture. I think I have a bit of an identity issue at the moment...

In the other hand I feel very proud of having achieved this by myself, and for all this time away from Mexico being brave and figuring out stuff all on my own. I'm hoping to be brave for many other challenges even though I feel a bit overwhelmed right now.

Identity

And with a letter to renew the ID card after all these years is that suddenly I feel overwhelmed and stressed about not speaking fluently one of the three official languages in Belgium. 

And the waist and the neglecting period that ended a few weeks ago.

And our little family going to live to a different place and me feeling like I won't be as independent as I'm for the moment . 

And dad and the brothers and the never ending Mexican soap opera of everything falling down while me living the "good" life in Europe.

The persons that we are

With our own skin, dragging all our dramas, all the stuff that we learned as kids and beyond. All our fears, all the things that can make us happy. All the stuff that will give us nightmares. All the things that make us uncomfortable or afraid. Who we are and our complexity.That is what we intend the loved one to understand and love. Not an easy task, not an easy one...

Here

It's still being difficult. Even when a couple of things got better, I still have the impression that things are difficult here. I miss him and I miss the peace of our life together. At the very same time I feel like I can help somehow here and still, everything becomes difficult to handle. I visit people, I talk to my family on a rush and at the end, I can't meet all the people that I would want to, quite often simply because I'm tired and holidays for me really happen while I work in Belgium.

I see my city as a huge chaotic place… traffic, holes in every single street and the feeling that things just can't get better and that hurts. The idea about this place that I travel with is just unrealistic and that also hurts. Other than a few small areas, the city is an ugly monster that only gets older.

La diferencia

A veces me visita en sueños. A veces caigo.

En esta ultima oportunidad me sirvio para hacer un balance y darme cuenta de que el lugar en el que estoy es un lugar de paz y armonia. No es que estemos de acuerdo en abslutamente todo, pero lo estamos en las cosas importantes. No es que la felicidad sea un elemento permanente en nuestras vidas, pero la paz lo es. No es que nuestra vida esté llena de aventuras, pero esta llena depequeños detalles y gestos que valen la pena.

Mucho tiempo después

Un 31 de diciembre de 2008, aterricé por primera vez en la vida en Bruselas. Tuve una escala mas o menos larga en Madrid, un lugar de referencia, un aeropuerto que conocía bien. Después de dar vueltas y gastar algunos euros, finalmente estaba en camino a la que seria mi nueva ciudad a partir de esa misma noche. Un par de horas después, estaba ya en un taxi en camino al que fuera mi estudio en Uccle.

Suena poco creíble, pero después ver la zona más elegante de la ciudad y la nieve cubriendo las calles, los fuegos artificiales que anunciaban 2009 llegaron justo cuando yo abría la puerta del estudio. Qué lejos estaba de imaginar que pasarían tantos años (casi 6.5 a la fecha).

Tampoco me hubiera imaginado que estaría solicitando la nacionalidad. Ayer fue el caso. Hará falta esperar unos meses más. Quizás llegue con el aniversario de 7 años. O quizás no.

Todo este tiempo en Bélgica no ha sido en vano. He estado y sigo lejos de la familia y de esos amigos que uno elige para toda la vida. Muchas cosas importes han pasado en México mientras yo estoy lejos (en cada sentido imaginable), pero las cosas que he aprendido son imposibles de explicar. Vivir en Bélgica fue durante un tiempo una prueba de resistencia al dolor y a la soledad y ha sido también el lugar en el que me curé.

Mientras todas esas cosas pasan allá, mi vida en este país parecía a veces transcurrir en cámara lenta. Quizás porque durante un tiempo estuve terriblemente sola. Tuve que aprender a estar conmigo, solo conmigo.

Apenas hace un par de años llegaron las chicas, comencé los cursos de francés de manera regular y me atreví a conocer gente. Tomó muchos meses, varios errores, y algunas desilusiones. Finalmente Jo llegó y con él, una fotografía mucho más amplia y hasta colorida de Bélgica. Hoy estoy en esa fotografía, abrazada de él.

Con los ojos no te veo 
Se que se me viene el mareo 
Y es entonces cuando quiero salir a caminar 
Con los ojos no te veo 
Se que se me viene el mareo 
Y es entonces cuando quiero salir a caminar 

Exposición de nubes

El cielo belga es un catálogo más bien amplio de nubes. En un solo día y en el mismo instante. Formas, colores, tañamos, todas las posibles variaciones.

Y el clima sigue siendo "difícil", pero al menos Bélgica tiene siempre un gran surtido de nubes.

Sunny days

Over a year has passed by. We seem to have a solid relationship even though recent weeks have been somehow challenging. Luckily we agree on the basics.

Las estrellas y las cosas...

It's not easy to be away. I'm missing important stuff. I don't get to talk to "my" people.

At the same time, I often feel like this is healthier. I cannot solve everyone's problems. I cannot take responsibility for things and situations that I have not been involved in. It's tiring when everyone expects me to have a magic wand to fix everything.

I imagine that perhaps another way to understand (and continue) with long distance friendships and family ties, is to just assume that I will not be there for relevant events, but that I can enjoy them for one month per year and share just regular time.

I could not have imagined all the things that have happened during this years in Belgium. I cannot see what will come next. Not clearly.

In the meantime, thanks for the stars and for the hand that holds me and the guy that decided that I was worth a try.

Les différents types de nuages de la Belgique

Peut être que une des choses que j'ai noté au Belgique sont tous ces types différents de nuages. Le ciel ici est toujours une espectacle dramatique. Parfois il semble comme si c'est presque la fin du monde. Parfois il est comme le plus beaux tableu. Des outres fois, il est simplement gris et triste.

Not yet, it's not good enough to continue in French. It is still a long way until I feel confident and I don't have to spend so much time trying to remember the words and / or the way to say things, but I will keep on trying.

Back

I actually don't mind staying away from here. It's not even my own will, life is just busy and I'm exhausted most of the time.

For the most part, life is fine… quite often more than ok. However, sometimes I still feel a bit out of place. And I honestly hope this feeling is just related to those days when I'm over sensitive.

Long time no see...

It has been busy for me or maybe I'm just getting old :)
Sometimes I just want to get home and go to bed early. We rarely do that tho. There's always something to do, something to clean, someone to visit, something to buy, something to study, someone to asnwer to, someone to call to... The idea of having an extra responsibility scares me a lot because I don't know if I will have the energy to carry on... not to mention the courage to finally conquer my fears.