That question...

Sometimes someone will ask you a question that will ultimately make you think for days. I was at this fancy work related dinner. As I was already saying good bye, someone said that it was good to live in Belgium or something like that. I answered that besides Mexican, I was also Belgian. Someone in the corner of my table asked "married to a Belgian?" (someone that had mentioned that she was married to a diplomat). I answered that I had gotten the citizenship thanks to the many years I've lived here.

I went home and for some reason that short exchange of words made me think about how I managed to get BE citizenship. It made me think about the 7 years it took to apply for it and the 9 years that have passed by since I first took that taxi from Zaventem that drove me through main avenues, including Louise and took me to that small studio in Uccle where as I was opening the door, fireworks for 2009 had started. None "gave me" that second passport. If there is credit to be given, it is to myself.

It's been a long time in Belgium. It's been an important part of my adult life. It's been different, it's been a lonely time. It has also been years to get to know myself better, to get older, get ill, understand that at the end of the day it's me the one that should never leave and that I will never leave myself.

A friend of mine said that according to oriental traditions, I should get a gold object as "welcome gold" now that I've moved house. I thought about it for days and even a couple of weeks and at the end I bought my first ever diamond. From me to myself. I put a ring on it.

When you are alone...

It's funny how sometimes you think that you have people by your side, especially your partner, and then one day you realise that you are alone as f*ck. Someone's physical presence does not translate to company, loyalty, care, etc. I spent four (yes, four!!) years thinking I wasn't on my own and it turns out that I was.

What was different from before those four years?
1. That I moved outside Brussels
2. That I put myself in second or third or even fifth place thinking that in that way, I wouldn't mess with a father-daughter relationship
3. That I became ill. Physically and emotionally
4. That I had to adjust to someone's else priorities (and I wasn't one of them)
5. That I wasn't really part of that home. I was just helping out
6. That I went from one medical appointment to the next on the basis of someone's else availability and mood
7. That I had to wake up earlier and go to sleep earlier
8. That I couldn't see the few close friends that I've made since I moved to Belgium
9. That for four years I thought I had MY own family
10. That for four years I believed the lie of "having found my soulmate" and that the "I love you" manifestations were real and enough reason to stay.

The list could go on, but this post is not intended to be unkind to myself. I was blind and stupid in many ways, but I'm ready to be nicer and to make the best out of this new phase of life.

Peace.