Feeling lighter

And all of a sudden I feel lighter, both physically and emotionally speaking. My back gives me a bit of a break every now and then and my mind that had been very upset is loosening as well and I am starting to sleep a bit better again.

Yes, I still try my best not to think about certain things, but in general I feel lighter.
Yes, I get mad when I don't manage to fight back certain thoughts, but I feel like I recover my peace sooner or later.
Yes, there is still this big debt, but I hope things will go the right way and I will be able to close turn the page on.
Yes, I could still get those four years back if at all possible, but I will learn to live with the fact that it won't happen.

So yes, this is how the story ends and how a new me begins.

Conocer a alguien...

“A veces debes conocer al otro realmente bien para darte cuenta de que sois dos extraños” (Mary Tyler Moore).

Veo esa foto y la persona en ella es un completo desconocido. Alguien que simplemente no puedo reconocer. La foto y el hecho de haberla publicado. ¿Con quién pasé estos últimos cuatro años de mi vida? ¿Por qué no supe ver?.

Me atormento y siento que mi corazón hierve. Pienso que de aquí para adelante, solamente quiero ir en una dirección: hacia arriba. Poder sanar de manera literal y figurada. Quiero no volver a saber nada de los últimos cuatro años. Quisiera poder borrarlos de una sola vez y si pudiera, también los reclamaría para que la vida me los devolviera en blanco y así no volver a invertirlos en una persona enferma y en una relación estéril.

Cuando miro hacia atrás y saco cuentas, puedo ver que hacía mucho tiempo ya que el "amor" se había ido y que debí verlo. Me cuesta mucho perdonarme por no haber caído en la cuenta, por no haber puesto un alto a su descuido y a su egoísmo. Supongo que puede decirse que al final lo hice, pero no sin salir de esa casa deseando no haberlo conocido jamás.

Hoy realmente quisiera no haberte conocido nunca.

That question...

Sometimes someone will ask you a question that will ultimately make you think for days. I was at this fancy work related dinner. As I was already saying good bye, someone said that it was good to live in Belgium or something like that. I answered that besides Mexican, I was also Belgian. Someone in the corner of my table asked "married to a Belgian?" (someone that had mentioned that she was married to a diplomat). I answered that I had gotten the citizenship thanks to the many years I've lived here.

I went home and for some reason that short exchange of words made me think about how I managed to get BE citizenship. It made me think about the 7 years it took to apply for it and the 9 years that have passed by since I first took that taxi from Zaventem that drove me through main avenues, including Louise and took me to that small studio in Uccle where as I was opening the door, fireworks for 2009 had started. None "gave me" that second passport. If there is credit to be given, it is to myself.

It's been a long time in Belgium. It's been an important part of my adult life. It's been different, it's been a lonely time. It has also been years to get to know myself better, to get older, get ill, understand that at the end of the day it's me the one that should never leave and that I will never leave myself.

A friend of mine said that according to oriental traditions, I should get a gold object as "welcome gold" now that I've moved house. I thought about it for days and even a couple of weeks and at the end I bought my first ever diamond. From me to myself. I put a ring on it.

When you are alone...

It's funny how sometimes you think that you have people by your side, especially your partner, and then one day you realise that you are alone as f*ck. Someone's physical presence does not translate to company, loyalty, care, etc. I spent four (yes, four!!) years thinking I wasn't on my own and it turns out that I was.

What was different from before those four years?
1. That I moved outside Brussels
2. That I put myself in second or third or even fifth place thinking that in that way, I wouldn't mess with a father-daughter relationship
3. That I became ill. Physically and emotionally
4. That I had to adjust to someone's else priorities (and I wasn't one of them)
5. That I wasn't really part of that home. I was just helping out
6. That I went from one medical appointment to the next on the basis of someone's else availability and mood
7. That I had to wake up earlier and go to sleep earlier
8. That I couldn't see the few close friends that I've made since I moved to Belgium
9. That for four years I thought I had MY own family
10. That for four years I believed the lie of "having found my soulmate" and that the "I love you" manifestations were real and enough reason to stay.

The list could go on, but this post is not intended to be unkind to myself. I was blind and stupid in many ways, but I'm ready to be nicer and to make the best out of this new phase of life.

Peace.

Qué ganas de...

Qué ganas de dormir tanto que todo sea nuevo al despertar,
de reir de una manera que me duela el estómago después,
de llamarte y decirte lo que pasó.

Qué ganas de volver a ser yo y de que mi cuerpo esté de acuerdo con ello.

Qué ganas de regresar cuatro años y haber sabido quien era él.

Qué ganas de recuperar la emoción y las ganas de todo y por todo.

Pronto, pronto. Lo prometo.

Qué voy a hacer? Qué voy a hacer? Qué voy a hacer?...

Cosas para no olvidar:

• "Qué voy a hacer? Qué voy a hacer? Qué voy a hacer?..."
• Que alguien decida que ha dejado de amarte en medio de un problema de salud 
• Que esta vida es como el juego de serpientes y escaleras. Hoy me toca la serpiente, mañana me tocará la escalera...

Just like this...

And that's it. After almost 4 years, this is it.

Time for a change and to take care of my self again. Going back to Brussels and hopefully having the strength that I will need for things to come...

Bye!