Strong, London grammar

Excuse me for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
And I’m so down caught in the middle
I’ve excused you for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
And I’m so down caught in the middle

And a lion, a lion, roars would you not listen?
if a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?

Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong

Excuse me for a while,
turn a blind eye
With a stare caught right in the middle
Have you wondered for a while
I have a feeling deep down?
You’re caught in the middle

if a lion, a lion roars would you not listen?
If a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?

Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong

Excuse me for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
and I’m so down caught in the middle
Have you wondered for a while
I have a feeling deep down?
You’re caught in the middle

Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong
Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong

12.1, 13 and do I know what I'm doing?

So, 12.1 happened last Saturday. It went much better... It's kind of important when people lets you talk, isn't?

Now, are you the hunter or am I? Don't play with fire and don't pretend you know everything about life and women. It was good that you said the things you did, it helped me to make a good decision. Maybe you said too much and maybe there was no "click".

13. It has been such a loooong time since I last spent time with a decent guy. Thanks for that.

Do I know what I'm doing? I don't know, I hope so, but I'm not entirely sure. I guess I need to take some risks to know exactly where I am and in which direction I want to go next.

Against the things I was told

It's been some time now since I accepted that there are other ways and other stories of success or rather that success has different meanings and forms.

And I'm in peace with that. I also recognize that I've (and I still am) very lucky. I think that one should be careful with what we dream because it might become real. 

Alors, I'm here, in peace, full of energy, grateful for what I have been given, but there are still times -and conversations- when all that I currently believe in makes no sense and doesn't fit with all the things I was told life was about.

And I'm here, eating hearts, defining my own rules, deciding this is my own form of success, embracing the shape of my existence, singing, dancing, learning... Still, sometimes I'm still scared and fearful. 

It is hard to go against all these years of "this is what life is" speech. Some days it is pretty hard.

Dreaming of you

Dreaming of you. Confusing. I don't dream often about people that is out of my life.

When dreaming about you, I spend the rest of the day thinking about it and the shared things, but I have to say that it's changing lately. It's different now.

I've stopped thinking about you and I realised that recently. I guess we move on, don't we? The cure reach us and we close cycles. Who could have told us, right?

Cured 

Moved on

Got over it

Hurts became scars and those are not that visible anymore.

#12 meh... Y me dejó intercalar algunos silencios durante la conversación

Alors, yeah, you might be half of what you said. You might have also a third part of what you brag about. I don't really know and most likely I don't even care.

I think those were 3 full hours where I was able to express myself like 3 times. Gosh! A little selfish there and maybe too full of yourself, but that's ok. I don't blame you and I guess it will eventually work for you to do all the talking while someone just moves the head and follows you with her eyes.

At the end the conclusion is MEH!! And that's perfectly fine. For the most part I'm always relieved about the outcomes. It helps me to realise why is that I'm in the place and position where I am.

So as a good friend of mine says: next!!!

Entre los dedos...

Como el agua, el tiempo se me escapa de entre las manos.

Casi el final de noviembre. Noviembre 2013. Apenas "ayer" estuve en México para recibir 2013. Cómo se puede pasar el tiempo así de rápido? 

Y la vida va bien y yo con ella, solamente me angustia como se me escapan los días y últimamente los años también. 

2014. Cómo hiciste para llegar tan pronto? Cómo hiciste para deshacerte del 2013? Cómo piensas tratarnos?

Mientras el tiempo se pasa volando, yo me quitó las canas, me pongo crema antiarrugas más de una vez al día y siento la angustia del "tiempo pérdido". 

Estoy deseando que la vida me ayude a comprender que no hay días inútiles y que  me envíe un breve recordatorio de la fortuna de estar viva y con salud. Quizás hacia falta escribir precisamente esto...

Help Me Lose My Mind

Talk to me
And watch me crumble
You will see..
Me come undone
Faithfully
I will look over
There I’ll find
What you’ve become

You
Help me lose my mind
And you believe
Something I can’t define
Help me lose my mind, make me wonder
What I thought before
Keep biding my time
How much longer?
Have I’ve been waiting for

Jealousy
Will be washed over
Carefully
We will come through
Could it be
Easy to start over?
Sound how I
Will bring you to

#11 íbamos bien con el no

De cuando los patos le tiran a las escopetas...

Íbamos bien con el no. Íbamos bien con esa dinámica, pero claro, se me olvidan los límites para al final ser yo quien termina en una posición ridícula. 

Y sé que nuestro paso por la vida de otras personas tiene siempre un propósito y en este caso es aprendizaje. Aprender por ejemplo a ser consecuente y a seguir mi sexto sentido y no dejar que me endulcen el oído.

De cualquier forma fueron un par de buenos días. Claro, hay que verle el lado positivo a las cosas, cierto?

Et voilá. Ces't ça!

It was because of the flats

It was because of the flats that I walked so much in Istanbul. It was also because of the flats that we sort of had a couple of "dates" there. It was because of the flats that I did not mind you being shorter than 1.80, but as you say "I don't know", you just had other qualities that I found very nice. I would have never thought...

For a couple of days and maybe more precisely, for a few hours, I had this nice feeling of "not everything is lost" and that was thanks to you. I was extremely tired, but sharing time with you made me feel happy and relaxed. I know my face said something different with those black bags under my eyes. The lack of sleep is a normal thing during this time of the year, but I still enjoyed your company and the laughs, sharing with you some of our most private matters and so on.

And I really have to thank you for being such a respectful person, for not letting the fun and nice time to become a mistake. It wasn't appropriate and even when it was frustrating, we both knew it was the correct thing to do. Thanks for that.

Chaotically breathtaking

I guess this is how I would describe Istanbul. I haven't seen that much. I have the feeling that you really need more than just a couple of days to really discover this chaotically breathtaking city.

It is such a clash of views, ways, colors, smells... It's really breathtaking. It's a city of cats, of mosques, of water, of shisha, of smokers, of extreme beliefs. It's a city that wants to live like Europe, but that has all this magnificent background that seems to me related to the Islam. 

It's easy to hear the chants when one of the prayers is taking place (I believe it happens 5 times per day). People will simply go on their knees and start praying. It's impressive! And you'll get the chills when the chanting fills the air of the city. Nothing stops, but the chanting is just there, like if it was the soundtrack of the city... 

These have been such intense days: from the team here, to the running around during the event, to the few hours of sleep, to the delicious food, to the very modern people, to the sellers on the street... I feel so dizzy, it has been so intense! 

On top of everything, dealing with an ex, meeting new people, enjoying long talks and hugs coming from strange people. I have my eyes and soul so overloaded now that I could use a good nap...

Different meanings, different times

There are things, places and experiences that will never be the same without/after you. Maybe it's meant to be this way, but I can't avoid feeling blue when I think about it.

And yes, this time wasn't about joy and just a regular visit, but I still thought of the time together :)

I guess every time things are meant to acquire different meanings and to serve different ends. And I often wish I could have back the days when things meant something specific just because we were together.

I'm nowhere nearby

#11 and no, it's far from what I expected. This is not an NGO. I'm nowhere close to that person. 

Sure, nice conversations and that's pretty much it. Also me being out of my comfort zone and doing something "different", but tonight I just feel sooooo far away from that person. 

Tonight the counting does not seem something funny. Tonight it's just so disappointing. Maybe I'm as much of a mess, most likely.

Good night.

Nuit Blanche & #10

Awesome night out and a very cute #10, stopping by just to say good night. 

Small things are the nicest!

Night night...

Pagando los intereses

Supongo que de eso de trata. No puedo explicármelo de ninguna otra manera. Debo estar pagando los intereses de los errores pasados. 

Increíble. Eso es. Pero tiene sentido cuando pienso en el pasado. Debe ser que el precio ya está saldado, pero quedan los intereses y por esos sigo y seguiré pagando hasta el final de los días.

#8.3

I would, trust me. Big time!!!

I guess number whatever you can think of in terms of experiences or relevance. It was still nice and actually fun.

As usual I just don't want to over think, and I'm too tired to do it anyway!

Conclusion / "Do you have feelings?"

I said something that I would not have believed some time ago. I do really think this way. I think I was lucky enough to feel the way that I did for at least a couple of times. Love visited me and I was extremely lucky for that. Whatever comes after that, will be just fine.

3.4

Is it? I think it was 3.4. Do I have feelings? Do I need them? Do we all really need to feel something? Why? 

Well, in any case it was a compliment, trust me. I've waiting this long just to have all under strict control, and it seems like I've managed! I'm glad you asked that and it made my day to respond laughing. 

Now, you're "picky"... Good, I'm too! So watch out, you might find it pretty soon. 

Chasing ghosts

And suddenly you realise you've been chasing ghosts all this time. Trying to find again that smile, that shape, that look, those feelings. You realise this is stupid as well and that there's no way you're going to find that again. And it's hard to understand it, but also necessary. 

#9. Fine night, laughing a lot and feeling comfortable in general. Again, I don't think there's a match, but it was nice time nevertheless. The bad side was to realise this thing... Maybe it was because we were "in touch" lately and it leaves a mark somewhere in the back of my head.

Oh well, whatever. Nevermind. 

Dejar de creer, creer menos & #8

No sé exactamente en qué punto estoy, pero creer no es una de las cosas que más hago últimamente. Ayer escuché esto de dejar de creer, creer menos y pensé "exacto, eso es!". Peter me dijo el otro día que yo la lo he probado todo y no me pueden tomar el pelo tan fácilmente. Qué dedo me chupo, como decimos en México. Esto es lo que pasa y las razones no las sé todas. Supongo que es la experiencia acumulada.

#8: la comodidad de lo conocido, solamente eso. Un buen candidato para amigo.

#truestory

Amazing summer days and I feel fully charged #truestory

#7? I think so. Happened last night. I had fun even being so tired. I guess you were trying your luck and had high hopes. Well, I'm not that easy to impress any longer and under different circumstances, you wouldn't have a chance. Still, I have to recognise that it has been a long time since I had a stimulating conversation or no... Wait: a conversation with someone with proper formation and that challenged me.

I'm happy to realise that many obsessions are gone now and that with every encounter, I'm more relaxed and I feel so self confident. I guess it's something that comes with age. 

I love how I can really don't give a thing anymore. I love that the pressure is gone by now and I love being this free.

After all this years, after all the silly dreams and the stupid expectations, I'm the owner and the cause of every event o my life. I've finally understood that I'm the producer of this movie: my own life.

#6

Number 6. Funny even with the language challenges. I don't think it can go any further and I don't necessarily see myself into it, but it was funny nevertheless.

Crystal clear

We first open a window so people can have a look. We then open the door and show all that we are, all that we have. We are crystal clear to them. For a very few: the "lucky" ones.

When opening that door, we show how vulnerable we are, the many things that we are not proud of. We show the complexity of our being. We cry and yell. We laugh and we have fun. Just like anyone else, sure, but not quite like that. A privileged view of oneself and the many demons inside is given to very few people. They see how fragile and how bright our life can be. This, a view with ups and downs (probably more downs tough), is what we give out when in a relationship. Different levels of it, but that's what we give.

Unfortunately this privileged view that we once (or twice) gave, becomes one of the most precious treasures when after some time we realize that it is time to keep it for ourselves. A wide access and view to what we really are is not longer needed after a couple of experiences (mostly bad ones). It becomes enough with the superficial touch and the little conversation and the wide open eyes when something completely irrelevant is being said.

So, let's stay in the surface, I don't think I could survive drowning down again.

Te regalo

Te regalo el mundo entero. Te regalo a todos los millones de personas sobre la faz de la tierra. Te regalo todos los días, todas las horas, la eternidad misma. Te regalo los días soleados, los días de nieve, los días lluviosos y los de viento también. Te regalo cada café del mundo, todos los restaurantes que quieras. Te regalo los paseos más hermosos, los bosques más verdes, las playas más soleadas, los paisajes más nevados. Te regalo las más hermosas sonrisas, los ojos más misteriosos o alegres.

Te regalo todo lo que quieras y espero que después de todo lo ofrecido, puedas construir recuerdos memorables, instantes que duren una eternidad en tu memoria. Porque esos serán las pruebas de tu paso por este mundo.

Jet lag

Grey skies, summer toasted skins, jet lag and whatever is left of the summer. Back in Brussels. Sleeping a lot, trying to get into the rhythm again. 37. Gym and French lessons to come again. Exhausted with a long list of to do things by the end of the year at work. This country of strange people (including myself). For now wondering where am I and which way this life is going other than just by chasing the next year.

Lo que queda...

Y así es como termina la historia.

Cansada

Siempre que estoy en México me siento más cansada que cuando estoy en Bruselas. En México no trabajo, pero casi nunca paro.

He visto a amigos y familiares. He resuelto cosas y ayudado a resolver. Cuando estoy aquí soy como siempre: la mamá chiquita de mis hermanos y hasta de papá. No me molesta, pero pasa y me doy cuenta de ello. Ojalá tenga siempre en mis manos una forma de ayudarlos.

También, cuando estoy en México, me doy cuenta de que aún no quiero regresar y me pregunto si algún día lo haré. No lo sé. Es probablemente una de las preguntas más difíciles que la gente me hace.

Algunas personas aún hablan de mis últimas relaciones y preguntan qué pasó. Para mi son cosas tan distantes ya... Yo me pregunto otras tantas cosas acerca de mis relaciones, pero concretamente de las de amistad. Me pregunto si estando tan lejos, las personas que me significan, las que creo conocer (y que me conocer mejor), seguirán ahí, para mi, cada 6 ó 7 meses.

Ultimamente tengo ese miedo. Pienso en aquello de "Santo que no es visto, santo que no es adorado" y me pregunto si mis amigos de tantos años seguirán queriendome, si aun les importan las cosas que me pasan y si en general les importa qué es de mi.

Mi ciudad cambia, pasan tantas cosas en el lapso de 6 meses y al mismo tiempo todo sigue igual (y algunas cosas inclusive empeoran). A veces no la reconozco y quizás ella tampoco me reconozca a mi.

Starbucks Gante

Hoy estuve en el centro. Pasé por algunos lugares de la primera vez y de alguna otra ocasión que fuimos juntos. Primero la zona de las lámparas y ese estacionamiento en el que creo que estuvimos dos veces. Comí con mi hermano en el Mercado de San Juan y la pasamos muy bien (era un lugar que no conocía).

Después caminamos en la zona que me trae muchos recuerdos de la primera vez. Hasta ahí todo bien. Creo que he podido procesar y superar todos esos recuerdos. Sin embargo esta vez algo se rompió cuando pasé por la esquina de Gante y Madero y me di cuenta de que el Starbucks ya no existe. Qué sensación más extraña. Es como si hubieran borrado de la faz del centro EL LUGAR. Es como si el destino y la historia de ese lugar se hubiera borrado a consecuencia de nuestra propia historia. Es como si todo se alineara. Desaparecieron un pedazo de mi corazón.

Fue como un balde de agua fría. Tuve que acercarme y asomarme a traves de la ventana y ver el lugar abandonado, vacío. Caminé y volví  para mirar otra vez el local vacío. Vacío de mobiliario, sin los logotipos, sin la gente, sin sus mesas, sillas y sillones. Sin ti y sin mi.

Estuve pensando en estos últimos días en cómo a pesar de pasear por lugares compartidos, me estaba sintiendo en mi lugar, pero ver ese local vacío fue como un golpe, uno muy duro. Supongo que es una coincidencia, pero una que me hace pensar que hasta las cosas externas a nosotros confirman que la historia tenia que ser como fue y/o es.

Summer

Koop Islands Blues

Hello my love

It's getting cold on this island

I'm sad alone

I'm so sad on my own

The truth is

We were much too young

Now I'm looking for you

Or anyone like you

We said goodbye

With the smile on our faces

Now you're alone

You're so sad on your own

The truth is

We run out of time

Now you're looking for me

Or anyone like me

Na na na na…

Hello my love

It's getting cold on this island

I'm sad alone

I'm so sad on my own

The truth is

We were much too young

Now I'm looking for you

Or anyone like you...

37 & Acapulco

I have been coming to Acapulco for some years now. It's the time that I get to spend with one of my closest friends.

Many things have changed thorough the years, fortunately our friendship didn't so far. I guess I'm so lucky about people still keeping a place for me even when I live so far from them. Erika is one of those.

It's sort of funny that with every trip to Acapulco, we will always talk about basically the same topics an with each year, answers and/or conclusions doesn't seem to get any clearer. 3 years to 40 and I don't think I have the answers that I need.

Anyway. 37 years old since yesterday. Welcome the new number. Hopefully good things will continue to happen and hopefully I will be able to recognise them and to be grateful.

Are you kidding me? / #5

Completamente fuera de lugar, pero comprueba mi teoría de que todos regresan (a veces solamente a recoger sus cosas, pero regresan ;) ).

Qué cómodo y qué fácil pensar que la gente estará ahí, a nuestra disposición cuando se nos antoje. Bueno, pues no. Esta vez no. No tengo razones para ceder. Hasta me di cuenta de que realmente no me gustas.  La peor parte es que me digas que veremos qué pasa, cuando los dos sabemos bien el resultado.

Ahora, #5: Mal, mala idea. Empiezo a pensar seriamente que las buenas alternativas están todas tomadas ya (y tal vez yo también son una de las malas alternativas!). Quedamos los que llegamos tarde, los que no parecemos "dar el ancho" por diferentes motivos. En cualquier caso la lección es que necesito concentarme y que esto no se trata de beneficencia pública.

The games: fulfilling requirements

So smart, cute (at least), not fat, good attitude, comprehensive, not demanding, independent... Cool. So you're ticking characteristics and you decide that I can have a chance. Uff, I'm soooo lucky (insert irony here).

I comply with basic requirements and I just wonder: do you? Do you have the basic characteristics that I look for in a guy? Mmmh. Not sure!

The funny thing is that some people seem to be a bit arrogant and demanding and I doubt they would stop to ask themselves if they cover my requirements.   

Let the games continue: body language and your ideal date

So, you want to find someone special, but somehow you're sending the wrong signals. And it's not about what you say, it's about the way you move and look to the other person. It's also, of course, about the things that you say. Remember: first impression. Date #5.

Now, you've always had this idea in your mind: your ideal date, right? Yeah, I know , there's this amazing feeling of "how great this is". But, mind that the person with you feels the same way. Also, keep your luggage with you. I cannot be responsible for the things that went wrong in your own past. I cannot make it up on behalf of others. I do keep together my stuff, I carry it and I'm not here to cure you.

Anyway, keep on learning. 

Let the games continue: 3.1

Trying to impress me and I just think that he's too short :D 

Being picky, I know. I can't avoid it. 

I guess I have too many references and people cannot impress me that easily. I guess I know a bit about these silly games.

Anyway, date 3.1. I shouldn't be so nice...

Need your love - The temper trap

The road is pulling me into her open web
And for a moment I escape and I forget
The silhouettes behind the dust clouds call me friend
But even fools know here they’re far a few between

She is a maze of neon highways and desert plains
Of lonely creatures singing for the summer rain
And at the end of all your knees fall down to kneel
Yeah it’s something in you always yearns for someone real

Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you
Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you

She is my salvation in the dawn
But at night with lips of honey calls the devil’s horn
And I am a war of flesh and heart that’s left undone
Between the person that I was and have become

Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you
Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you
I need your love

Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you
Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you

There’s no resting in my heart
There’s no resting in my heart
There’s no resting now
Oh I need your love, I need your love,
I need you now, I need you

There’s no resting in my heart
There’s no resting in my heart
There’s no resting now

Let the games continue: 3 & 4

3: Mmmmh... Ok, sort of. Lacks maturity and doesn't reach the height requirement.

4: Wrong (The conversation was interesting though)!!! Pretty funny body language for the specific situation, but you shouldn't have been scared: I don't bite!

Anyway, it's funny to conclude that no matter where in the world, guys behave the same and the dynamic of dating someone (and of course of getting to know them) is identical everywhere.

In the other hand I seem to be high in energy and I'm having fun, lots of it. It's probably because I'm out of faith and I don't longer believe in fairy tales.

Trembling hands

Turning the ground

I once used to know

People are strangers

Same as before

Streets look familiar

I remember the part

Where I buried my head

So deep in my hands all around me was dark

This here city is full of lonely ones

Won't find no angels

Selling back to the lost

This here place

Is too small for two

It took one to realize

When dreams makes this hardest

Are not meant to come true

So throw me a line

Somebody out there help me

I'm on my own

I'm on my own

Throw me a line

Afraid that I have come here

To win you again

With trembling hands

Passion delays

Looking over the buildings

Time seems stopped

While the millions keep moving

Now here I am

I'm drop in your ocean

Noise in the crowd

Pushing through your halls of reason

So throw me a line

Somebody out there help me

I'm on my own

I'm on my own

Throw me a line

Afraid that I have come here

To win you again

With trembling hands

Hear me now make me whole

Hear me now make me whole

So throw me a line

Somebody out there help me

I'm on my own

I'm on my own

Throw me a line

Afraid that I have come here

To win you again

With trembling hands

There goes the ending

It left me in the war

I tried everything here

I'm done with my part

Let the games begin: the sweet guy

Y así, como sin nada, pasas varias horas con una persona que no te produce estress. El tipo dulce, inseguro, incapaz de dar un paso... demasiado tímido como para eso. Qué contraste!

Compartes un poco de quién eres y él también. Te das cuenta de que tan solos estamos los seres humanos y piensas en todos los corazones rotos y maltratados del mundo. Somos un montón! Entiendes lo pesada que puede resultar la soledad aún para alguien que está en su lugar, en su propio país.

Y fue bueno. Para ambas partes. Un domingo sin presiones, un domingo llenando las horas de dos existencias completamente diferentes, pero que comparten ciertos razgos.

Los juegos continuan, pero es bueno saber que de vez en cuando podemos dar con personas como él, en vez del típico hombre lleno de si mismo, egoísta y charlatán.

Let the games begin: no "antsy" feelings

And there's this day when you are "cool" in the times when you used to feel anxious. You understand that everything is fine even if you screwed things up :) 

And it is not that you do not care, it's just that you know that things cannot be changed and that whatever the outcome is, you'll be fine. 

Whatever is meant to be, it'll be. Whoever is supposed to be part of my story, will be.

Together with wrinkles, some knowledge seems to come along too and it's good to be aware of it. 

Let the games begin: getting what I want and being happy with that

So, the games have started. They can be fairly easy. I guess I can get what I want without making a very big effort.

I got what I primarily wanted so for now I'm happy with that. If there's ever something else, I would be happier, of course. In the meantime I'll make sure to enjoy what I get and maybe even learn some more about the silly games that we, adults, like to play.

Rule number one: enjoy what you get.

Let the games begin

Va de nuevo (aunque tenga poco de nuevo). Una vez más al ruedo. Una vez más a jugar los juegos de gente "adulta". Es tiempo, es necesario.

Los juegos que la gente juega. Las mentiras y la acción.

Pasó un tiempo "razonable" y es tiempo de hacer espacio para compañía. Es tiempo de soltarme otra vez y jugar de nuevo.

Dejo entonces que el juego comience una vez más.

Pumpkin pie

It was the highlight of the grocery shopping: 2 cans of pumpkin filling for pie. And I know it is not even the season for pumpkin pie, but I still got them, they will be sitting in the kitchen shelf until I feel like baking.

It is funny how we relate to things that would be otherwise, just random stuff. It is interesting to realize how we "connect" to an infinite number of small details, objects, moments, sounds, how that connection takes us back in time and how those things are archived in the life chapters.

Sometimes the flavor of all those memories becomes sweet as when those moments took place firstly. I think I had a sweet memory yesterday when buying pumpkin in a can and sort of understanding or experiencing one of the most quotidian things of the life there.

I was pretty tired by the end of the weekend, but sweet memories accompanied me to the bed, knowing that everything is ok and that the archive of my life back then is not longer hurting me.

Not anymore

And there's a day when we don't have to like each other anymore. And it's a relief. It's ok and it's a fair thing.

There used to be a time in life when specific people not only was your favourite person in the world, your best friend and your personal smile factory, that people was someone that you just liked a lot. 

Then there's this other time when shared ideas, feelings, looks, links, meals, and many other things fade away and people don't longer have a connection. "Shortly" after that we realised that we don't have to like that people anymore.  And there's even more: they don't have to like us either!

I guess that finally, this other time comes when you understand that's how the story had to be like. And it is ok. And life will continue and it will, hopefully, give us the opportunity to like new people and that people will like us back. 

Random thinking

Y muchas veces estoy simplemente esperando a que pasen cosas y lo único que pasa es la vida...

Un recordatorio de que existen otros lugares más allá de Europa.

Y supongo que es lo que toca y creo que estoy bien.

"Like the legend of the Phoenix, our ends were beginnings"

Domingo

Qué frustración. Atrapada en el tráfico en una mañana de domingo. Porque es un día de mierda en Bruselas, como debe ser en domingo y como tiene que ser en primavera. No más de 7 grados. Así es que como no tengo resaca y volví más o menos temprano ayer por la noche, me digo a mi misma "vamos al gym!".

Dejo la casa, espero por unos buenos 20 minutos en la parada de autobús. El cielo está completamente cubierto por nubes grises. Finalmente el autobús pasa, como diligencia, como debe ser, cierto STIB?. 

Aún así tengo fe en que quizás pueda llegar al gym en 10 minutos... Ajá! Llevo más de 15 minutos en el trayecto de 3 paradas. Por qué? Por qué funcionas así mi querida capital de Europa? Porqué el 3G funciona para el orto? Por qué el transporte público es tan deficiente? Por qué no puedes tener una primavera como el resto de Europa? Qué puta frustración!!! 

En fin... Hoy es uno de esos días... 

Quisiera que...

Quisiera que cada cosa tuviera sentido otra vez. Quisiera que cada segundo, cada minuto y cada hora estuvieran en su justo lugar. Quisiera que el track de mi vida fuera uno distinto. Quisiera no tener que querer estas cosas. Quisiera despertar en un canal diferente. Quisiera no sentir esto que todavía a veces siento. Quisiera, quisiera tanto, quisiera tantas cosas, pero por encima de todo, quisiera estar en paz con esta vida y tener la certeza de que ella está en paz conmigo también.

Un salto del corazón

Por cuántas diferentes razones nuestro corazón "salta". La de ayer fue una razón diferente y algo que no me habría imaginado hace un par de años. No habría podido saber que las cosas iban a ir en la dirección en la que lo hicieron.

Como siempre, cosas como ésta me hace aprender un poco más de mi y de los otros también.

Y esto es todo lo que queda, no hay nada más.

Reality check

Reality check Monday. It is good to know what people really thinks about us, right? Even if it hurts, even if we do not think it is fair. This is how special things are. This is how unique relationships end up by being.

A big slap in the face and a good reminder of why I should keep the distance (in every possible way). A not very nice way of forcing myself to have a reality check.

A man in love

"If I say that the painting contained elements recalling Indian miniatures painted under British influence, and Chinese and Japanese bird paintings, with Audubon's attention to detail, and even the bird series that came packaged with a brand of chocolate biscuits sold in stores across Istanbul, please bear in mind that I was a man in love"

Orhan Pamuk, The museum of innocence

SMS

In a very packed tramway in Brussels: "Is everyone ok dad? I just heard what happened. Call me if you are up. Love..."

The happiest moment

“In fact no one recognizes the happiest moment of their lives as they are living it. It may well be that, in a moment of joy, one might sincerely believe that they are living that golden instant "now," even having lived such a moment before, but whatever they say, in one part of their hearts they still believe in the certainty of a happier moment to come. Because how could anyone, and particularly anyone who is still young, carry on with the belief that everything could only get worse: If a person is happy enough to think he has reached the happiest moment of his life, he will be hopeful enough to believe his future will be just as beautiful, more so."

Orhan Pamuk, The Museum of Innocence

100

One hundred and almost two years later. Nothing but just a "place" where to put down words and thoughts about my life and feelings. Still, just one level down since there will be always things that will stay trapped deep in my mind.

With this blog and 100 posts I'm also obliged to look at my life in this city. It comes together. I wouldn't be writing if I was at home, under the sunshine of the eternal spring of my hometown. Still, this place seems to have converted into my current home (finally I call it "home"). I don't really know for how long, but I know that the time here has ran by like water between my fingers and it still does.

I have been sort of neglecting this post. Maybe because I have not being in the best mood. Maybe I'm  a bit tired.  I would have wanted to reach a post number 100 in a different angle, but that's just not happening and I still feel the need to come here to deposit words... not much more than that... hoping for better times, sunny days and better mood.

Te entiendo

And I always will...

Sometimes -I don't know why- there's a phrase that sticks to my mind for a while. Lately it is "te entiendo..." and I guess I do.

I understand you and I always will. More than ever, I know you are right and that every step and every decision was the best for you and even if sometimes it doesn't look that way, it was the best for me too.

Understanding nowadays seems to be a much broader concept. Many pieces have come together and I've been able to see a bigger picture.

Maybe those phrases in my mind are things that I didn't say. Maybe I didn't have the time. Maybe I couldn't see those things back then. Maybe it was too early to feel like I do now.

Anyway, I guess it's just that I understand you... Understand everything and I'm in peace, at least with myself.

Nada que decir

Hay días como estos en los que no tengo nada más que decir. Va mas allá de los malos recuerdos y los dolores... va mas allá de las sonrisas y los buenos momentos. Simplemente no tengo nada mas que decir. Nada mas que agregar.

Es "chistoso" como pasado el tiempo finalmente comprendí que hay cosas que ya no son asunto mío. Algo que aunque fingía saber desde hace mucho tiempo, hasta ahora puedo sentirlo como real: none of my business. Finalmente me siento así. Nada de lo pasado es ya asunto mío...

Grrrrr

Hoy:
Logré entrar a Bélgica otra vez
Sin noticias de la comuna
Tranvía que pasa como diligencia
Mil doscientas cosas que hacer en la oficina
200 "reminders" acerca de esa cosa discutida doscientas veces
Reunión de dos horas...
Personas "escapando" del trabajo. Personas que invierten más tiempo escapando de tareas, que lo que les tomaría hacer las cosas
Transporte como diligencia. Perdida de tiempo.
Lavandería
Transporte como diligencia...
Emails con la misma instrucción!
Un invierno que no termina
Un adaptador para la corriente destrozado...
Mis hormonas al límite!

Dublín

Unos días en Dublín: trabajo, caras conocidas y cansancio acumulado. Salidas, copas, fotos y cansancio acumulado. Arepas, Yile, alfajores, mi primera referencia en Alemania -sort of- y el cansancio acumulado.

Además del frío, la lluvia y St. Patrick's day, estos días aquí fueron para practicar el arte de la diplomacia y la buena educación. Funny enough.

Días así...

En días como estos todavía siento frustración. Entiendo las razones, sé que fue por mi propio bien, pero eso no evita que me sienta frustrada e incapaz de retener.

Por suerte un fin de semana en un lugar nuevo me espera con los brazos abiertos.

Saturday...

Pushing myself. Didn't stay home. Will not do that. Weather can be shity. I will still do things.

I've never liked the rain and/or the humidity. I love the sun, I love Mexico City average temperature. Then life put me in this place.

I've always hated having to carry an umbrella. I hate ruining my shoes because of the rain. I hate having  a wet coat after a walk in the rain. I hate being cold afterwards. Yet this is the place where I live...

Pardon me

Worn out faces hanging on the wall
Foreign places, names you still recall
You say loud to yourself "why you just don't care?"
Say the things no one else will ever dare.

So pardon me for asking, pardon me for thinking
All of me is asking, all of me is thinking
So say it loud if you need it, we've got tough emotions
Do what you don't do
So say it loud when you need it, we've got tough emotions
I'm in awe of you

So you lie to yourself
Why you just aren't scared
All the things that you felt, were always there

So pardon me for asking, pardon me for thinking
All of me is asking, all of me is thinking
So say it loud if you need it, we've got tough emotions
Do what you don't do
So say it loud when you need it, we've got tough emotions
I'm in awe of you

From the splash to a big fail

TGIF and I'll have a nice weekend...

Sunday night, on my way back to Brussels. My Friday splash ended up by being a big fail. How come I got to see that version of you? How come you decided to take that path. Wait!! That's you, the real you, I guess.

Running away and the feeling of not wanting to be found again. Less drama, but feeling like I have to run and by that to let you know that I'm a self sufficient person and that you cannot use my time. No matter where in the world I am.

I have such a mix of feelings and thoughts. Don't get why the idea of seeing each other for such shared time. I have to admit that after those hours, I'm confused, not only about you, but also about my life and the way that I react to things. I'm confused about the direction, about what should come next.

One day

No more tears, my heart is dry
I don't laugh and I don't cry
I don't think about you all the time
But when I do I wonder why
One day baby, we'll be old
Oh baby, we'll be old
And think about the stories that we could have told...

I guess I will make sure to have my own story to tell.

Silly dreams

Once again my life and the things that I'm worried about -even if I conscientiously say that I'm not worried about them- make an appearance into my dreams. And I dream, and dream and in those dreams, the most silly things and circumstances will mix.

When awake, I will be ignoring and trying my best not to care, but my dreams will chase me, remind me all the open issues, the things I haven't solved. Waking up after that other part if life makes me think too much and I don't always like that.

Una pequeña sonrisa

Un detalle, una imagen y un lugar. Una pequeña sonrisa en mi cara. Una sonrisa resultado de emociones mezcladas, pero una sonrisa sincera en lo que a lo más básico se refiere.

No es mi asunto, pero fue una sensación agradable y me dio cierta paz saber que las cosas son así...

Qué lejos, muy lejos, para siempre.

Magia I

After this trip I can only conclude that there's so much to discover, so many things to see, so many stuff to learn (or re learn)... I'm just a tiny little human being and I have seen nothing so far.

Istanbul, Turkey. A place where two worlds met and mixed. A magical super packed and busy place that has somehow managed to have a magic veil.

I wasn't able to see that many things, but this place just winks at you at first sight. People will smile to you and they will immediately offer you tea in a beautiful curved glass, offer you Turkish delights, kebab, wine and so on. Suddenly you'll realise that you're in love already.

I think I have been able to see two sides of the story of this country: the modern and relaxed sort of people, and the conservative and tight sort of style (probably more attached to religious traditions and education).

The good looking guy...

Y a mi en vez de un tipo bien parecido y con ganas de conversar, me tocan dos señoras que no paran de hablar entre ellas y que invaden mi espacio en esto de una fila de tres asientos gracias a su hambrienta lectura del periódico. También, tal y como corresponde, me toca el vecino de atrás pateando o empujando mi respaldo.

Eso me pasa por creerme aquello de que la gente conoce a su media naranja en los aviones. A la fecha no recuerdo ni una sola ocasión en la que haya tenido un compañero de vuelo que me haya hecho suspirar!

Y otra vez viene la reflexión: soy cada vez menos tolerante y probablemente menos agradable también. Encuentro estar sentada con estas señoras algo muy molesto y casi quisiera pedirles que se callen! Intolerancia, eso es.

En fin, rumbo a una ciudad que tenía en mente cuando era estudiante en Madrid y no podía darme el "lujo de viajar" porque mi beca era más bien limitada.

Me tocan dos días en Estambul, quizás hasta pueda ver un poco el centro. Si no, ya habrá tiempo de planear algo en octubre.

Actualización: la señora a mi lado es la persona más molesta con la que he tenido que lidiar en meses!!

Buscando

Leyendo, repasando, tratando de exprimirle a las palabras significados que no tienen. Cuántas veces leí, releí, repasé, esperé que lo leído significara cosas distintas a lo que de hecho quería decir.

Aún hoy suelo releer. La diferencia es que ya no hay más expectativas. La gran diferencia es que ha pasado mucho tiempo ya como para seguir esperando. La diferencia es que todas (TODAS) las heridas cierran y todo pasa.

Busy, busy!

I've changed a couple of things on my regular routine in Brussels. I now have other things to do besides work. I have way less time to think too much, specially to think about the sort of stuff that cannot be changed.

Also, at the moment, my head is full of thinking regarding my link to this country and about staying here longer and becoming not only a permanent resident, but maybe something more. It's a very strange feeling, but I guess is not a bad idea.

Life has changed here. The weather is pretty much the same, sometimes it gets worst, but I barely have the time to think about it or other sad or sort of depressing things. It feels nice to be this busy and the feeling of doing something "productive".

Getting back together

Together again and it feels so good! It hurts, but it makes me feel alive again.

After 4 years, I'm awake again and I feel like I got myself back. I've stopped living for others, waiting for them to say a word. It's me again now, no more about other's people needs.

It's just winter, it's cold, it's humid and the day light comes in small quantities, but I won't step back. Not now, not now that I feel myself again. Not now when I know this is the person that I want to be.

Quick reminder: PUMP UP THE JAM!

Sachertorte

Hoy me acordé de ti. Me pasa a menudo, pero hoy especialmente porque comí sachertorte. Días como hoy me doy cuenta de todas las cosas que hicimos y compartimos y supongo que pasamos un tiempo agradable juntos. Por lo menos queda eso: los buenos recuerdos.

Pasé todo el día fuera de la ciudad, con un par de personas cercanas y una de ellas por alguna razón me remite a ti... quizás una personalidad parecida. También me hizo pensar en ti el solo hecho de ir en el coche por las carreteras de Europa. Creo que fue un buen tiempo el que compartí contigo y creo también que conocí y aprendí muchas cosas gracias a ti pitufo.

Ha pasado prácticamente un año ya y cada quien tomó un rumbo diferente. De todas maneras y aunque me lo quede para mi, gracias por lo que me diste y las cosas que me enseñaste.

Las pequeñas cosas

Cuatro años y contando. Contando las pequeñas cosas que hacen de estos años en Europa algo especial. La comida que disfruto más viviendo aquí, los lugares que he conocido, las fotos que he tomado y la gente que se convirtió en mi entorno. Algunas personas aún lo son, otras ya no figuran en mi inventario.

Conocer la nieve, pisarla cuando esta fresca y ver cómo se pega a la ropa y a los zapatos. Sentir agua en la nariz y dejar de sentir las manos cuando por flojera no me pongo los guantes. Ver que la vida y cada ser humano continúa a pesar del clima extremo, de la humedad y la limitada luz del día. Conocer este invierno es una de las pequeñas cosas que Dios me ha regalado.

Ver las hojas de los árboles cambiar de color, comer sopa de calabaza y a veces hornear pumpkin pie. Comenzar a abrigarme en el otoño Bruselino como si fuera invierno en México :)

Veranos húmedos, casi viscosos. Veranos de días negros y vientos helados. Veranos de una ciudad que "se guarda" a las 7 pm y que descansa todos los domingos. Veranos que a veces se confunden con cualquier otra estación del año!!

Primaveras radiantes, cielos claros y brillantes, días que se extienden y cuya luz alcanza su máximo en el verano. Los árboles que se visten de verde completamente en cuestión de un par de semanas. Escaparates que mienten un poco y anuncian temperaturas que difícilmente llegan.

Los kiwis gold, los vasos de vino, la gente que veo en las calles y cada pequeña cosa... cada sonrisa y cada vez que no pude pronunciar en francés y la gente se divierte con mi intento de cualquier forma. Cada viaje, cada foto, cada taza de café y absolutamente cada pequeña cosa que en la gran pintura de mi vida, han hecho de estos años, algo muy especial.

Supongo que mi vida no es de grandes eventos, sino de pequeñas cosas. Cosas que cuando hago inventario, se convierten en un gran evento y en algo por lo cual estar agradecida.

Scared

What if that happens to me as well? I don't think I want to be on that position, knowing that I have no choice and that there's nothing that I can do about it.

It's kind of hard to wake up to your 36 years old and to realize that there will be changes, not only the ones that you decide on, but others even more important: the ones connected to the age and the women nature. It's scary.

Besides the very selfish thinking here, it hits me also in the sense of being you, one of my closest friends, going trough this. I'm sorry and I wish things were different. It's not fair

Como una monedita...

Estaba pensando en una explicación coherente y como cuando una monedita cae, entendí todo. todo tuvo sentido. Lo que sucedió cuando comparo, es una infracción menor... not a big deal. Aunque yo piense diferente, entendí perfecto que otros pueden libremente decidir de qué tamaño son las cosas.

Yo me quedo con mi propia medida y ahora también mucho mas tranquila. Es increíble como a veces un pequeño pensamiento ilumina un gran problema o un viejo dolor. No encontré la solución ni un remedio mágico, pero por lo menos comprendí que lo mío fue y seguirá siendo un mal menor.

Como en otras ocasiones habría que decir que fue por mi propio bien.

2013

Es el segundo dia de 2013. Estoy, como a menudo, en un aeropuerto de regreso a Bruselas. Hace unos días se cumplieron 4 años desde que me fui a vivir allá. Con cada viaje a mi país queda confirmado que mi lugar -por ahora- sigue siendo Bélgica.

Hoy, 2 de enero, solo quiero darle la bienvenida a 2013, a mi vida en este nuevo año. Confío en que serán 12 buenos meses y en que Dios sujetará mi mano. Confío en que tendré la inteligencia suficiente para tomar las decisiones más acertadas para mi vida.

Bienvenido 2013, que sea un excelente año!